I haven’t blogged much recently.
Ironically, I’ve got a lot on my mind. However, the very things that so upset me at the moment are the very same which hinder my ability to express and exorcise them.
I have also, for quite some time, been less than lacklustre in my communications with a great many of you. It never used to be the case but, now, when I’m feeling stressed, swamped and sombre, I can’t always bring myself to engage, and the thought of proper correspondence – as much as I miss, and long for, it – feels an overwhelming pressure from which is is better to just turn away.
I wish it was not this way.
Ironically, again, it is times like this that I think back to when I was last feeling this way, and recount the messages of support from you. And I know that I would not be writing this now without you and your messages. So, thank you.
All of this makes me feel all the more guilty for being absent. I loathe the fact that I am scarcely a supportive presence anymore. I very much want to be. I have not been active in #TalkMH or #PosiMH or any of the other wonderful Twitter chats you wonderful people host. Some of you – and to those even with whom I have become closest and whose friendship I cherish – I haven’t talked to for over a month – probably more.
This never used to be me
I hope it isn’t really me – not entirely, at least.
The news about the apparent passing of Linkin Park frontman Chester Bennington makes me very sad. Whilst it’s not something I have, nor would have, ever thought about; I can’t help but be slightly surprised by my own reaction. I have been fighting back tears as I digest the unwelcome fact and emerging responses on social media. Sure, Hybrid Theory was one of those albums that was played endlessly during my youngest teenage years. But it is doubtless because now I can empathise, more than I would ever have thought I could just a year ago. On a painfully personal level, can I empathise.
This letter has been on my mind for a couple of days, but I suppose I never got around to mapping it out in my mind. Yet, once I heard about Chester, I knew what I wanted to say, and why.
I’m sorry to anyone who is affected by these issues.
I’m sorry to all of you, my beautiful, beloved friends, for my absence.
Please know that if anything out there is hurting you, I am still here.