Crash

change the vowel. how annoying is a crush? in fact, that title isn’t inappropriate. you see the face or something related and you just swoon. it’s like a breakup, ironically, except that you haven’t even had the opportunity to break up. but it is like a break up: the tiniest thing, a tremendous catalyst. you get that nausea – that anxiety of whether or not something might, could happen – that nausea that it probably won’t. all those moments and mutterings which you can’t help but go over again and again, like you’re mad, as if enough repetition will eventually change the probability. and, after all, they’ve just been the smallest things. how can something so small have such a seismic impact? it’s the butterfly effect on your heart. if only they knew. god she’s beautiful. god i just want to tell  her how beautiful i think she is. does she know that every time i see her – and not even in real life – i die inside a bit at the inevitability of never feeling or being able to tell her how i really feel. does she know? of course not. would she want to know? probably not. it’s me, after all – if she wanted to know well she must’ve figured it out already by now anyway and probably would’ve said something. right? because she’s so much more confident that me. so she would’ve said something, right? god, this is annoying. shall i tell her? no, you fool! have i already looked creepy? i do talk to her a lot. i can’t not: she genuinely makes me happy; her presence makes me happy – like, just smiling, inside and out, for no reason. she’s so lovely. will i ever have the chance to tell her? how awkward would it be if i did and it wasn’t reciprocated? probably very. oh well – at least i would know one way or the other. and maybe even if she didn’t feel the same, knowing that someone felt way that would make her happy. and that’d be nice i’d like that i’d like to make her happy. i’d like to make her happy every day. i’d like to talk to her every day but, you know, in private where it’s just she and i and i can be sappy and she could tell me to shut up. shut up and hurry up with the drinks, i don’t need to tell her again, i’m only at the bar: just hurry up, ffs. god i’m smitten. this has been going on for like nearly two months now. i wonder how politely she would tell me to go away if i told her about my crush. eurgh. god. crushes are so annoying.

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