Life Update

Last month I wrote a Letter to Someone, talking about how I didn’t want to spend Christmas alone.

On Tuesday, my doctor prescribed me a further two months’ Citalopram. Truth be told, I still haven’t sorted out counselling since my last Life Update (17 October), because I have been so busy feeling a lot better. My doctor didn’t mind; he said that was in itself a positive sign.

Unfortunately, ever since that Tuesday, I’ve been feeling far worse, all of a sudden. Loneliness is palpable. On Friday night I wrote a second Letter to Someone.

My heart is waiting for you.

The bad thoughts came back that night. I went to sleep early – with the lights on: in an effort, I think, to try and make it seem natural, casual.

I’ve been really bad with communication, messaging people back, and I am unhappy about that.

I had a great Saturday night which was rounded off with much loneliness and miserable feelings. One friend in particular has been so good to me, and I hope I didn’t ruin the night with negativity and upset. This morning I have spent so long just staring at the clock. At one point when I tried to sleep, the bad thought came back, although I felt so unenthusiastic about anything that I couldn’t even be bothered to think about maybe doing it. I haven’t even taken my tablet today, although I’m about to. I’m really surprised I haven’t cried yet, because twice I have felt extremely close.

I think things are getting bad again.

I wish someone wanted to love and cuddle me.

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